To Mother from Another Mother

“I want to keep things casual with you,” she said. I was heartbroken, yet I respect her decision to respect herself. I think my hatred against those who misuse power and status is a reflection of my own secret desire for power and status. I don’t think it’s morally unjustified to kill someone if you are convicted with evidence that he or she has plans to harm you or others to death. It’s a human-to-human survival game. Fuck the laws. And if COCO appears to be that person, dear, you can kill me. I give you the permission, and it is because I love you to death.

When does killing have a free pass? It’s when communication ceases to work. It’s when pacification no longer satisfies. It’s when anger is the only means to defend the truth. The truth is, love needs boundaries.

I saw those long scars on the back of your forearm as we moved along to the cashier. I think I was hurt when I knew that you would hurt yourself so deeply. I think I can relate because I use other ways to hurt myself equally deeply: isolation.

Solitude can be traumatizing when its only purpose is to escape. I think you and I prefer being surrounded by no one unimportant, and we enjoy sharing space only when there is connection or advantages. I think that is why I like the fact that your daughter is your best friend. I wish I remembered what her precious name is, although I clearly remember her face.

She is unforgettable. The partial reason is that she looks 85% like a distant friend of mine whom I think is a soulmate of mine in disguise only if we both tried to understand and compromise our differences. The other half is because she will grow up to become the creative genius that she already is. Maybe I was jealous, maybe I was dreaming, maybe I was longing for what could be.